This is going to be such a ramble of a post so settle down with a drink and strap yourselves in.
The other day i put a poll out on Instagram asking you guys which post i should blog about and this one won (: if you want to vote in future polls then search @beckismith93 or just click the link iv provided for you (: you should follow me anyway i'm always very active on insta (:
I started my first YouTube channel in 2011 (All the video's are private on their) so you can't go searching for them.
I started by uploading little tv clips then turned it in to a singing channel which i loved i filmed them on a blackberry torch remember them ?
In really bad lighting as i filmed them very late at night (nothing new there) but then people from school started finding the videos and i'm pretty sure a few ''so called friends'' made up fake YouTube accounts just to post nasty comments i mean i have no proof but at that time YouTube was a safe heaven and nobody really got nasty comments so i made the video's private and said i'd never do youtube again flash forward to 2012 and i made a new channel the one iv been uploading on ever since if you've been around since them days then you will remember the first video a whats in my bag (i loved that bag so much wish i could find another)
I was gaining subscribers not as much as other channels but i was happy with how my channel was progressing i was putting videos out as and when i could which probably didn't help with trying to gain subscribers but never the less i was happy with my channel and my videos fast forward to 2017 and the whole youtube fuck up which meant it was harder and harder for small channels to get noticed and we didn't get paid anymore (not that i got paid more then £1 a month anyway lol) my views went down i used to get over 600 for a primark video and i was barely scrapping 200 views my christmas videos used to be one of my most watched but last year they tanked really bad and i know its not all about the views but lets be honest it is but i persevered until my last video which was my hamster video.
I started to hate the way i looked in videos which is really dangerous. I hated how huge i looked on camera, i hated how my hair looked i hated how fat my face looked,i just hated everything to do with youtube and filming it really was self damaging.For a while i didn't even watch my subscription feed as i just hated youtube. I have videos filmed ready to edit on my ipad but i hate how i look in them. It got to the point that i had to decide what was better for my mental health still uploading but without me in the video but then that would lead to questions on why im not in my videos anymore or just take a break which is what iv done at the moment i have no plans to come back to youtube as i dont want to go down that spiral again its very destructive and not good at all for my mental health.
I don't know what will happen to my channel or if i will come back im happy blogging i can do it from anywhere and i can look how ever i like and no-one will ever know which pleases me greatly.
For anyone who loves my primark hauls they have now turned in to blogpost's same with what i got for chrismas and whats in my stocking. I don't know what im going to do about my annual birthday vlog yet as i love filming them.
This isn't goodbye youtube its see you later
Becki x
